We all learned back in 2001 that mayonnaise is not an instrument…
…but is it a vegetable? Is mayonnaise vegan? Also, no. And while this seems like common sense to you and I since it’s made out of eggs, one vegan girl apparently had her entire world shattered when a sandwich artist at her local subway dished her some harsh truths. Writing in a Facebook post, Subway employee Gabriel Caulfield-Bohlken explains that a girl came in asking for their veggie delight sandwich: As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"
As I’m sure you can guess, everything went downhill from here.
I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.
Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?"
THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.
She stood there for a second.
V: "N-no it doesn't, I get mayo every time, are you sure?"
Me: "Yes ma'am, mayo has egg whites in it." To be fair, you can eat mayo as a vegetarian so I can see how this girl got all fucked up in her head. She’s got Facebook, Twitter, and the other kids at school to tell her what to think and do, so why bother to research her self-imposed dietary restrictions? This is 2018: we’re here to virtue signal and read headlines, not hold any firm beliefs or actually read articles.
The poor sandwich artist continues that he felt “so horrible” as the girl “stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl’s world.” Sadly, he says that there were a few people standing in line behind her, and that he needed to get her moving. I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.
Me: "Would you like the mayo on it ma'am?"
V: "Sure, go ahead."
She sounded so done, so defeated,
So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.
Me: "Thank you for coming, have a nice day!"
She just looked at me, sighed, "yea, I'll try" and walked out. It’s ok girl – you know what else isn’t vegan? Semen, gummy bears, and the giant mayonnaise dick you’re sucking down right now in that veggie delight. If it makes her feel better I’ll go outside right now and kick a puppy into an intersection (don’t worry, it won’t be a busy one) to cancel out the mayo. They say two wrongs don’t make a right, but when I fuck something up and then see someone else fucking up even worse, I always feel a lot better.