The tried and mostly-true method of avoiding a speeding ticket is telling the cop you’re either on your period or about to shit your pants and are speeding to a rest stop or exit. This does not work, of course, if the cop saw you pass several exits before he pulled you over -- but in that case you can also claim you’re five beers short of a six pack and therefore, more or less, really fucking stupid. Sadly, neither of these simple excuses work when you get pulled over for a DUI, which meant 32-year-old Lauren Cutshaw had to figure out better excuses to weasel her way out of getting arrested.
According to Daily Mail, Cutshaw was driving 30 mph over the speed limit in Bluffton, South Carolina, when she was stopped by an officer after blowing past a stop sign. When officers approached her vehicle, they noticed that Lauren Cutshaw was fucking hammered and that the inside of her car “reeked” of alcohol. She told police that she’d only had two glasses of wine, but when asked how full those glasses were she replied “I mean, I was celebrating my birthday.”
Foot in mouth right there, but it gets better.
After failing her field sobriety tests and blowing a .18, Cutshaw realized that she was probably severely fucked, and decided to try and talk her way out of being arrested. You’d think she’d offer the cops money or sexual favors like any normal person trying to get out of spending the night in jail, but Lauren Cutshaw isn’t a dirtbag – in fact, she’ll have you know she got GREAT grades her whole life and was even in a sorority! “According to the police report obtained by Island Packet, Cutshaw then attempted to talk her way out of jail, telling the officers that she had perfect grades her whole life, she was a cheerleader and a sorority girl, she attended a 'high accredited university' and was a member of the National Honor Society,’ and she mentioned her partner is a police officer.” The cherry on top? After that long list of accomplishments that literally no one over the age of 20 gives a rat’s ass about, Cutshaw added that she is a “white, clean girl.” Because the police only arrest minorities and white trash, right?
Apparently in her mind, yes – because after dropping that racially inspired truth bomb, an officer asked how that information was relevant and her response was “You’re a cop, you should know what that means.”
DAAAAAAAAMN – if the straight A’s weren’t getting you out of jail, then implying the arresting officers are racist isn’t going to get you anywhere either. That’s like asking your teacher for an extension on your paper, then when he says “No” you climb up on his desk, drop your pants and lay a girthy one right on his laptop – and then ask one more time, “Hey, can I turn in my paper late NOW?”
The bizarre encounter was not wasted on the arresting officer, however, as he even noted in his report that “Making statements such as these as a means to justify not being arrested are unusual in my experience as a law enforcement officer and I believe further demonstrate the suspect’s level of intoxication.”
Sadly, Lauren Cutshaw’s pleas were not enough to sway police, and she was eventually booked into the Beaufort County Detention Center. She’s been charged with driving under the influence, speeding, disregarding a stop sign, as well as possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.