Snakes aren’t to be fucked with. I’ve seen them bring down an entire airplane no matter how hard Sammy LJ tried to keep it in the air, and one time at the zoo I saw Jon Voight get swallowed whole by an entire anaconda.
And while it’s clear that I can’t tell the difference between movies and real life, reality was a little too real for one group of kids when a rattlesnake tried to join them aboard their boat.
A post shared by Wayne Robbins (@melton1wake) on Jul 15, 2018 at 6:00pm PDT
First of all, those kids need to learn that until it IS killing you, you are fine. You’re telling me there are 10 million rattlesnakes outside of my cozy apartment? That’s fine – as long as none of them are in the process of slithering up my ass it’s all good. Until that snake steps scale into your boat, I don’t want to hear your screaming. It’s a snake. If push comes to shove have your dad run it over with the propeller and eat it as sushi later for dinner, we don’t have time for this childish nonsense.
Second, fuck snakes. Fuck kids because they’re more expensive and can’t even do useful shit like make me dinner, but I’d rather have a piece of shit kid running around than a rattlesnake. I know that probably makes me a hypocrite for shitting on these little shits in that last paragraph, but hear me out: in general I avoid places snakes might be – forests, trails, meadows, southern patios – you know, anyplace even considered somewhat outdoors. This is a DIRT snake that belongs on DIRT, not water. You ever see a polar bear flying first class to Iowa? No, because polar bears do not belong on planes – if you see an animal doing something it shouldn’t, you’re allowed to be afraid because it could have rabies. These kids don’t know that and are screaming because they’re little bitches; Myself, an intellectual, says fuck this snake because it’s acting weird and rabies kills. See the difference? Me smart, kids dumb, snakes scary; It’s all gravy.