You don’t wanna be taking bunk meth. That’s the first thing you learn in METH101, which is held every Monday at 2:00 in the shed behind Old Man Jenkins’ crack house. What happens if the meth you take is bad? Well, with most bad drugs you will probably die – but death might be a better option for 49-year-old Douglas Peter Kelly, who might've just earned himself a place in the dumb meth arrests hall of fame.
But before we keep going, can we talk about how this dude does NOT look like a meth head? I’m used to seeing living zombies with their tongues drooling out their mouths in meth-related mugshots; this dude looks like he should be driving a bus, or handing me a freshly-baked Cinnabon.
According to The Smoking Gun, Kelly was concerned that the meth he had bought wasn’t authentic, and in order to test his hypothesis he called the closest people he knew with drug tests: the police. Not only did Kelly ask them to test his meth, but he even had the balls to ask them to arrest his dealer if he had “been given the wrong narcotics.”
Kelly continued to inform the authorities that when he had tried smoking his meth, he’d had a “violent reaction” and believed it was actually Flakka, not meth. What is Flakka, you ask?
Yeah – I’d rather smoke meth, thanks.
After speaking with the cops Kelly drove to the sheriff’s office “because he wished to have the illegal narcotics tested” – was it Flakka? Was it meth? Turns out it was…
And while Kelly was probably stoked that he hadn’t been ripped off, I think we can safely assume that once he realized he wasn’t passing GO, wasn’t collecting $200, and was proceeding directly to jail – well, let’s just say I bet he wishes he had some meth to smoke right now.
Douglas Peter Kelly was booked into county jail, but later released after posting $2,500 bond.