Weddings can be dirt cheap if you’re not an entitled brat who needs the ultimate “Kardashian”-style nuptials – hell, you can get married for just the price of the marriage license if you really don’t give a shit. But one bride found out the hard way that life does not promise you a dream wedding, no matter how hard you kick, scream, and try to con your friends and family into paying for it.
It all started when the bride-to-be in question posted on Facebook about how her wedding was now cancelled, only four days before the big day. It’s a bit of a long read, but I promise that it’s worth the time:
First of all, gotta point out that even though she’s planning on “remaining civil” and staying “a team” with her ex for the sake of their son, she’s ALSO planning on taking two whole months to go backpacking in South America. So which is it: are you a team player, or are you a millennial who’s gotten a bad case of wanderlust from looking at pretty pictures on Instagram? When you go to South America, make sure to visit Venezuela – I hear the food down there (if you can find any) is great.
Second, I knew they existed, but I’ve never come across someone who un-ironically says “a local psychic told us to *insert something stupid here* and we did it!” It’s like saying you’ve hired Bernie Madoff to be your financial advisor, or that Bill Cosby is the new guidance counselor at the troubled teen youth center – sure you can do what you want, but for fuck’s sake keep your stupid to yourself.
Also, their son is named “declyn,” which is silly when great names like “butthole,” “anus intruder” and “turdpie” were all available, and all in lowercase because mom couldn’t handle learning the uppercase version of letters when alphabet day came around in preschool.
Somehow, it gets worse:
Real talk: who the fuck gave you $250 in the GoFundMe? No one is entitled to their “dream” wedding, the same way no one is entitled to fucking ANYTHING. And as for the eight people who RSVP’d and sent a check, fuck y’all – you are part of the reason this girl is so entitled, because enablers like you are actually dumb enough to send her money.
But I’m also confused – it was going to cost over $5,000 to cancel the wedding? Which means they already booked the $60,000 wedding?? WHICH MEANS THEY’RE LIABLE FOR A WEDDING THEY COULD NOT PAY FOR, BUT ARRANGED ANYWAY????
No wonder the boomers hate my generation – I’d like to throw around anecdotes about how all my friends are gainfully employed and independent, how people like this don’t define a generation, why avocado toast is actually great and I don’t see what’s wrong with eating it – but for fuck’s sake, this shit wasn’t happening in the 50’s. Well ok, it WAS, but we didn’t have social media for people to show off how unrepentantly self-absorbed they are. The only difference between the boomers and millennials is that boomers don’t know how to use “The Google” and have to keep their dumb thoughts to themselves, whereas people my age think every little nugget of an idea that pops into their head is worth sharing.
Spoiler alert: they’re not.
“I just wanted to be a Kardashian for a day and then live my life like normal,” said no well-adjusted person ever.
And because I know we’re all DYING to know what the comments underneath this unhinged rant were like, the bride’s cousin even popped in to settle the matter once and for all:
Shockingly, her family seems pretty level-headed; clearly it doesn't run in the family.