Seriously, what gives.
This is honestly baffling. If you’re the child of a celebrity chances are better than good that you’re going to wind up being attractive. Just look at Wayne Gretzky’s daughter…
A post shared by Paulina Gretzky (@paulinagretzky) on Jan 7, 2018 at 7:07pm PST
…or even Brian Williams’ daughter, Allison:
A post shared by Allison Williams (@aw) on Nov 13, 2017 at 9:58am PST
I wouldn’t say that Wayne or Brian are two dudes who get my panties drippin’, but their daughters are HOT. But not all celebrity offspring wind up being attractive, no matter how much plastic surgery and Photoshop they pay for. Case in point? Literally every child that Demi Moore and Bruce Willis had together:
A post shared by Scout laRue Willis (@scoutlaruewillis) on Aug 31, 2016 at 5:04pm PDT
It’s like someone took Bruce’s giant man-head and then pasted Demi’s delicate features on top. Which is a real bummer, because one of them in particular likes to post topless photos at least semi-frequently to her Instagram. It’s like finding $100 on the ground but there’s poop smeared all over the back of it – at first you’re like “Cool!” but then that immediately turns into “Eh, I could’ve done without that.”
A post shared by Scout laRue Willis (@scoutlaruewillis) on Oct 29, 2016 at 10:14pm PDT
See what I mean?
But regardless how hot or not hot Wayne Gretzky and Bruce Willis’ kids are, you can tell they’re related.
Paris Jackson on the other hand…
A post shared by Paris-Michael K. Jackalope (@parisjackson) on Mar 5, 2018 at 4:02am PST
…yo, what the fuck. This girl is HOT.
Obviously Paris would have Michael’s pre-surgery genes running through her, which makes this all the more baffling. For the record, here’s Michael before he went to town on his face with a claw hammer:
[youtube id="WInjoS9z404" width="64" height="360""]
And here’s Paris’ biological mother:
So someone please explain to me how these two “Meh” people were able to create this genuinely attractive creature when the best Demi Moore and Bruce Willis could do was produce extras for Dawn of the Dead, no makeup needed:
No, I don’t need genetics explained to me and get the fuck outta here with your Punnett square – THIS is the mystery we need to be solving, not where missing socks go after the dryer and not where that goddamn plane went. If you told me 10 years ago that Michael Jackson’s daughter would grow up to be a completely normal eight outta ten without even a hint of severe psychological problems I would’ve laughed. Now look at me, trying to piece together the puzzle like…
…but getting nowhere and instead scrolling through Paris’ Instagram account wondering where it all went right.
A post shared by Paris-Michael K. Jackalope (@parisjackson) on Mar 2, 2018 at 4:01pm PST
A post shared by Paris-Michael K. Jackalope (@parisjackson) on Feb 23, 2018 at 2:07pm PST
A post shared by Paris-Michael K. Jackalope (@parisjackson) on Feb 14, 2018 at 8:25pm PST
Who knows – maybe in a decade or so she’ll start coloring her skin black, like an anti-Michael? That went really well for him, so I don’t see the numerous, infinite and never-ending problems that could maybe pose for her.